Forgiveness first requires the wound to be addressed

Before a splinter wound can begin healing, the infection must first be treated.

Watching a terrific sermon on forgiveness today, a real-world illustration helped me better understand a basic tenet of Christianity that many of us believers may not fully understand how to process or to completely forgive someone for their transgression against us.

I know from a personal standpoint I may have "forgiven"someone in the past but never really addressed, or processed what happened, how I felt about it and how I would move forward. As a result, the usual human reaction of "I will forgive but not forget" rears it's head and I may say I "forgive" but without fully addressing the underlying issue, am I truly forgiving the other person?

Consider the illustration above. By design, the human body rejects an offending foreign object like a splinter. The process begins with anti-bodies surrounding the site to mitigate infection. From there, the body starts to reject the foreign object to the surface, or encapsulate it in scar tissue. Now if we were to put a bandage on top of the splinter wound, we would cover it up, but the pain will still be there and will continue to be sensitive as the wound festers. Our first reaction is to simply bandage the wound but that is only a superficial treatment.  Below the surface is where the real offense lies and that is where it needs to be addressed.

By bandaging the wound, we are in effect, only covering something up rather than getting to the root of the matter. However, if we dig in and take hold of that splinter and remove it, the healing process can begin immediately and the pain from the infection is dramatically reduced. The human body can now naturally heal itself from the inside out.

In other words, in my estimation, until I fully engage the who, what and why of what offended me, my forgiveness is only superficial, can continue to cause pain and not permit me to process, forgive and move on as Jesus has done for me.

A lack of Grace: 5 Things we can Learn When Someone Expects Perfection in us

Learn from the past and quickly leave it there
to look to the future

When we seek or expect perfection in others we encounter in life we set ourselves up for disappointment and the other person for failure. This past week a customer made that abundantly clear to me.

As an internet or e-commerce director, my responsibility is to drive my store's profitability through a digital medium: To put our best foot forward through a customer's perspective via our website, email communication or the phone. A basic part of the email standpoint is to use effective email directly to each individual per their inquiry (basically to ensure we answer any question a potential customer may have given us) or to use a mass emailing to elicit a response. Mass emailing must be targeted unless I want to run the risk of a high opt-out rate which would lead to ISP's or Internet Service Providers like Yahoo!, MSN and AOL to view our IP address as a SPAM generator.  This I do and have done for years. In fact, I have probably sent out more than 500,000 emails in my career to prospective and current customers. This week was much the same as any other communication.

For those of you in a position of responsibility, you know you have many distractions- your people, contemporaries, supervisors, owners, manufacturers, customers, your daily process, etc., etc., etc.  In other words, MANY distractions. For those of you who are not supervisors, you have many distractions as well: Life, home, friends, etc. I am no different.

With the Christmas holiday right around the corner and then the end of the year next, I had been aiming to send out a mass email to our unsold prospects, and had been trying all day to get it written and compiled before it was too late in the day on Monday the 23rd of December. Unfortunately, I had been unable to complete this task due to many distractions until around 4:00 that afternoon. Long after I knew people would be reading this email at their morning break at work.

A couple of hours later, I received a very threatening voice mail on my mobile phone that if I wanted "my side of the story" to be heard on a "national article about the dealership" and to be named in it myself, I was to call back before the end of the night.  I normally don't do well when people try to threaten me- after having been under direct fire before words have little effect in causing me any anxiety. Out of managerial duty and curiosity I returned the call and the person confirmed it was him- we shall call him Larry.

Larry started on a line of questioning like he was an attorney so I was quickly on the guard, and I asked him what he in fact did for a living. He informed me he writes articles for national magazines like Time and such. Terrific.

I asked how I could help him and he started to tell me how I had lied to him. Okay sir, you now have my attention.

"How did I do that to you?" I asked.

"By emailing me that I had previously made an inquiry by email to buy a car.  I had not had I?"

"No sir, you did not. I see you were in for service previously, and had not made an inquiry about a purchase. That was my mistake."

But he persisted and again said I lied to him. I told him I had made a mistake and it was an oversight for which I held myself responsible.

The third time he called me a liar I pushed back hard. "THAT is enough!" I said. "You will not call me a liar again. I have owned up to the mistake, I have apologized repeatedly, what more can I do? What more do you want from me?"

It was at that exact moment I realized I was being attacked by evil. God had given me the patience and words to endure this withering assault against my character, my store, my job and my family.

His mood instantly changed and we spent the next 30 minutes talking about his experiences while photographing various topics. I viewed his website and some of his images and I couldn't help but think to myself "I'm the liar?" Every one of his photos were no doubt photographed with high performance SLR cameras with filters to capitalize and emphasize the lighting. Perhaps even digital manipulation.

In other words, every one of those photographs, as they were depicted, never truly happened.  Ironic.

I even went on to edify him, lauding his vast experience and accomplishments, and thanked him for his insight and bringing this to my attention. I don't think he knew quite what to do.

After hanging up I was quite upset, not quite angry, but still shaken. Surprisingly, I was not nearly as agitated as I would have ordinarily been.

When my GM came in the following day, I knew he was going to be calling the customer back so I gave him back-fill from my experience and he just smirked, shaking his head.  He went on to tell me how this "gentleman" came to be our customer.

He had come in just a couple of days before I started in August, and complained about how he was not treated well with two of our competitive stores, one of which has written a book on customer service. He had come in for a major service and insisted on meeting the mechanics whom would be working on his car. Not a bad idea.

Bending over backwards to earn his business, Ken asked the customer if our manufacturer had offered him any sort of coupon for his experience and he said no, they had not. So Ken then directs the service department to sell the service at cost for him.  Then right in front of Ken, this person pulls out a $500 coupon from the manufacturer and hands it to the service writer.

"Wait, I thought you said they didn't give you a coupon" my GM asked him.

"Oh yeah, well, I bitched a little more and they sent me one. I just want to get the best deal possible."

No, you just wanted to lie and steal from a company in the auspices of good faith.

This made me even angrier than I was before. A low-life scum bag like this accuses ME of lying. Someone who has never amounted to much of anything, probably never will, trying to pull someone else down to make himself feel better. His inflated resume is just that- inflated. Surely someone whom has contributed to TIME magazine for example would rank somewhere in search results, but no. The ONLY references I could find for him were the aforementioned website of his and an introductory page about him on an equine-focused website.

It is clear this person is devoid of a moral compass and peace. He is clearly hurting and probably doesn't know why. All I can do is forgive him and pray for him.

Some lessons to take from this encounter:

1. Hurting people hurt other people. 
2. The more someone tells you how great they are, the less likely it is they have accomplished anything they are building up in your mind.
3. Liars think other people lie. (Or at least think sales people will sit quietly and take it)
4. God extends us grace though we do not deserve it. Some people expect perfection from others and extend no grace. Perhaps they enjoy seeing the other person fail or they are purposely creating an environment to exploit to their advantage.
5. Even when confronted with a situation like this, with His word and guidance, a Christian can defend themselves AND not destroy the other person with their spoken word.

Keeping Your Eyes on the Road Ahead

Our sermon today at Valley Creek Church had us listening to a guest speaker- one of our elders Don Manning.  His sermon had some great applications and refreshing insight to me as a father, husband and bread winner.  Several points stuck out but one resonated with profound clarity to me:

Keeping your eyes on the Lord!  We daily lose sight of God working in our lives and rush from one moment to the next, stuck in the past, worried about the future and losing sight of the here and now. Can you identify with that? I sure can!

I remember instantly thinking about the parallels between what he said and every day life. Rare is a day in which I drive to work and not see a traffic accident or a near miss.  We travel with it all the time- we see someone tailgating us or the cars near us, texting on the phone, eating, doing makeup, shooting across several lanes at once to make an exit, you get the idea. As a result, WE have to look out for them and make concessions lest we get a chance to meet them in person.

It struck me this morning (pardon the pun) how we take our eyes off Jesus and start looking at life by only what is directly in front of us; the exact same way so many people drive today. This is a reactive lifestyle and with the pace of life faster than ever it is even more vital for us to slow down and be more deliberate in our lives.

I remember a time in the 70's and 80's in which a third brake light was not on the back of cars, but legislators thought it prudent to create a law to help us avoid accidents by mandating that light be installed in all passenger vehicles. Would it not have been a better idea to teach us how to drive properly? By that I mean to look 20-30 seconds ahead of the vehicle in front of us. I learned this trick in a professional driving course years ago and an amazing thing happened when I did: I could not only see much further ahead but my periphery also increased. In other words, by simply changing my point of focus, much more came into clarity and I was better able to avoid an accident.

While we think we see a lot, from God's perspective our view is like   looking at the world between our hands like this image shows.

I always scratched my head at how the Israelites could not remember one day to the next the miracles God gave them to escape Egypt and be delivered from slavery. Of course they didn't have the benefit of the Holy Spirit to stay with them but I also miss how I forget every day what He has done for me and my family when I worry about something or don't pray for guidance. I am in effect, staring at the bumper of the car in front of me while I am traveling through life at a high rate of speed. (I touched on the importance of timing in your life in my January 27 article when I write about Jesus' never being in a hurry). Day by day I strive to change my focus onto God.

When we put our eyes on God literally and figuratively, we will as a result gain the vision our loving Father has for us minimizing any distractions, but we also can see rising distractions exactly as they are and be fully prepared to address or dismiss them as appropriate. This will permit us to live in the moment, leave the past in the past and welcome the future gracefully and never in a hurry, and allow us to smell the roses. 

The Importance of Timing in Your Life

Watching the videos below you can see some similarities between these two professionals and their swings. Each composes himself with balance and poise. One focusing on a moving object and the other on a much smaller stationery one. Each is noteworthy in their respective fields. Each is of a similar build, not over-developed muscular-wise.

If you have ever watched a natural hitter like Ken Griffey Jr, below, you notice a quick, fluidic, effortless swing which generates great batspeed and thus massive power.

Or perhaps you are more familiar with the phenomenon known as Tiger Woods:

Notice neither of these men are particularly BIG physically like Arnold Schwarzenegger for example. Rather they are tall and lean. There are few instances in which massive people like Arnold have the finesse for such skills as hitting a home run or a 400 yard drive.  Yet they make it look so easy.

For anyone out there whom has played either sport and gotten THAT hit, the one where there was no resistance of the ball against the bat or the club. That hit in the "Sweet spot" where you weren't even sure if you made contact for everything met at just the right moment and the right space in time.

So what is it about these swings that make them so beautiful and desirous to recreate?

Watching these videos and even listening to the experts' analysis of Wood's swing we can glean these are finely tuned athletes with extraordinary muscle control, but there is one critical ingredient laying right before our eyes like an elephant in the room yet no one mentions it at all:

TIMING. 
The old cliche' "Timing is everything" is a cliche' because it is so true. There is nothing like showing up 15 minutes late to work, for your flight or to miss dinner at home with your family to make you realize that. NASCAR and NHRA fans understand timing. Expert marksmen and hunters understand it. Comedians and actors live and die by it.

With exceptional timing and being in tune with their body, these athletes show us what it is like to have the right timing for maximum result with less than maximum effort for they know by FORCING it or trying harder, they will fail to get the results they desire. In baseball it will be a pop fly because the tension in Griffey's muscles will squeeze the bat too hard and cause a slight drop in the bat angle leading to too much undercut. Or Woods will pull his hands in too close to his body and end up with a huge slice to the right. Instead, they realize by slowing down and keeping the proper timing, they will get extraordinary results.

The other thing I would point out too is once these athletes commit to their swing, there is no hesitation. No second-guessing. Once it commences, there is no reservation whatsoever. They are committed to it and execute it quickly.

Jesus of course realized the importance of timing also. For 30 years he labored as an obedient carpenter before breaking out into the role God had in store for Him. Waiting for His time and calling, Jesus was faithful, making the most of his craft while biding His time. He lived in the moment, not looking forward to the future. We humans are often looking to the future- to get off work, go on vacation, to eat, etc. Too often I hear people wishing their lives away by saying things like "I wish it were Friday" or "I am just killing time." These are powerful statements that provide us a glimpse into the psyche of that person.

But there's so much more to it than just Jesus waiting 30 years for His first miracle. Consider how He NEVER seemed to be in a hurry. Waiting for 30 years to perform His work. People would implore him to come and heal this person for they are sick and but he would deliberately take his time. This resulted in two ill people actually dying before He could arrive. But of course if He had hurried He would not have resurrected  Lazarus and Jairus' little girl in Mark 5:21-43. In Mark 4 we see Jesus and the disciples leaving a large crowd behind to travel to the far side of the sea. He spent 40 days fasting in the wilderness.

He was never in a hurry because He was on GOD'S TIME! As it turned out, we see Lazarus and the little girl raised from the dead not just simply healed, a much greater miracle. His waiting for God's timing made these larger miracles. Leaving the crowds hungry for His Word and works made them pursue Him rather than sitting back, having been satisfied and feeling as though they had heard all they needed to know. They knew there was more so they pursued Him out of faith and hunger.

You don't have to go THAT far out of your comfort zone to
see a Big return on your investment!

Too often we are satisfied and comfortable with our walk and thus will not get out of our comfort zone to grow. Growing ourselves can be a scary proposition for the truly experience growth, we have to get outside our personal boundaries and push ourselves into uncharted territory.

Be that as it may, it is clear to me, whether you believe in God or not, we are all in place as a part of a plan. One that is orchestrated with an intellect and perfection we cannot begin to comprehend, but can be obedient to. God places us in positions for a reason but this reason may not be immediately clear. It may not even be for our own benefit but perhaps for someone around us. It has taken me more than a decade to begin to appreciate the lessons God has intended for me as a disciple but I was too proud in my walk to hear what He would have me to hear.

I now realize I may have been in a storm, but it was really a season. A season of understanding and openness with myself and God.  What I am trying to say is, when I entered this stormy season, I was upset and asked "Why me?" and I now realize the time for that part of my life had come to an end though I desperately clung to it and I needed to  LET GO first before I could take the next step.  Unfortunately, I was disobedient, trying to hold on too long and ultimately had to be humbled before I could begin to hear the lesson He would have me to hear.  I had to be removed from one career path to one substantially lower in esteem than the one I was on. That was not the humbling part for me. It was to stop asking "Why me" and start asking "Why NOT me?" and to thank Him for the grace He extended to me despite my disobedience.

What is just beyond YOUR comfort zone? What is just out of reach that God would hand to you? Reach out your hand and take it from Him for He is a loving Father and you are a beloved child of His. What father would deny his child anything beneficial for them? Commit to your swing right now. Take that step and watch what happens next in your life.

Five Lessons we can take from Christopher Maloney's X-Factor Audition

X Factor is an English talent show in which people sing before a panel of judges in the hopes of landing an invitation to join the show which challenges each performer to sing their best in different genre in music, trying to expose their inner weaknesses in which case the audience will vote them off or to keep them on the show.

In the 2012-2013 season, a young English man named Christopher Maloney auditioned for the show and stunned the judges with a performance that must be heard to he appreciated. If you have not seen it, even if you have seen it, it is still a heart-wrenching performance when you see how nervous he is on stage. Take a few minutes and watch his performance here:



Towards the end the judges ask him why he had not sang in public before and he says people told him he was not that good.  Huh?  That is when it struck me-  God had given this man an unbelievable gift and because of the people he hung around, that amazing talent was kept hidden from the rest of us. I want to examine five lessons we can take from the Christopher Maloney performance.

1. While we are all gifted in some way from God, some gifts are more obvious than others. Many of us admire the athletic prowess of a professional athlete, or the literary gift of an author like Hemingway. A gifted actor like Jack Nicholson or an accomplished surgeon like Dr Ben Carson. Christopher is gifted with the voice of an angel, much like fellow Brit Susan Boyle who exploded on the scene after her audition on Britain's got Talent in which much of the audience were clearly judging her on her appearance. What she unleashed was a lesson in not judging a book by it's cover. Unlike Susan, Christopher was beside himself with fear and doubt, literally shaking like a leaf. Yet he was finally convicted to share his gift. I believe it is incumbent upon each of us to use these gifts God has given us. In fact, it is required to use these gifts. The parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14) explains this. A master gave 3 servants talents or money. One whom was given the most, 5 talents, used it most wisely and doubled the money. The second received 2 talents but likewise doubled that amount. The final servant was more concerned about losing what had been given, he never truly received the money and violated the master's trust. Furthermore, he actually, unintentionally cost his master money! He deprived his master of a small gain or bit of glory if you will. Likewise, gifts from God when displayed, honor Him and bring Him glory. If a gift is not utilized but instead kept inside us, then it was never truly given nor received.

2. Christopher listened to the wrong people for too long. His mother encouraged him but his friends kept him down. If you have watched these shows, especially the auditions, there are plenty of people who audition who need friends like Christopher's for they couldn't sing to save their lives! Be that as it may, we must be vigilant about those with whom we associate and entrust with our secrets. Those who build us up or we them, deserve our hearts and time. Those who tear at us and try to keep us down must be taken in small doses or none at all, depending on your strength and faith. Short of that, prayerful reminders of them to find their gifts are the most appropriate action.

3. When all eyes are on you, put your eyes on God. God has promised He will never forsake us or let us down yet we let Him down and take our eyes off Him all the time. I have no idea how Christopher found the ability to start singing, but once he did he was lights out. He gained strength and momentum once he hit his vocal stride. I know from personal experience, if He brings me to it, He WILL get me through it! I have faced many challenges as a leader and a parent when sometimes much hangs in the balance. I remember once when my boys were adolescents, they had made a bad decision and my wife had to call me at work which is something she has done once in ten years.  I had no idea how to handle the situation or what to say until I pulled up in the driveway when God gave me the words I needed. No physical punishment was needed nor a profane tirade. Rather I was poised and quite gathered in my message of displeasure. The message was received and nothing further was spoken of the incident again.

4. Face your fears.  I believe there can be no courage without fear for fear is a reaction but courage is a choice. What we do with that fear defines us. Courageous people stare it down and attack like a lion. They confront their fears head on and grow as a result either through the accomplishment or through a failure. Firefighters are often confronted with very frightening scenario with structure fires and they courageously run into buildings everyone else is running out of. While they have the proper equipment and training the civilians do not, it is still a spectacle to see people swallow an instinctual response of fight or flight and choose to fight.

5. Follow your dreams! I don't believe God will give us a dream that does not align with our gifts. By that I am not insinuating a boy dreaming of becoming an astronaut or pilot can't aspire to do so. What I am saying is a dream to have a family and loving spouse, for example, is within the grasp of everyone if they follow God's lead and the right person who complements their innate personality traits and character. I realize there are many dreams which are never fulfilled; for example some people fail to score the minimum MCATs score to enter medical school or they never make a professional team for the lucrative contracts so many envy. I would submit either these dreams were self-manifested or misinterpreted. Someone wanting to be around athletes might have been called to be a coach or trainer. A person wishing to be a Doctor might have thought that was the path they wanted to be on in order to care for patients when they fail to realize Doctors have little time to share with a patient but nurses and P.A.'s are the cutting edge of medical care.

Are you a BELIEVER, or are you a FOLLOWER?

Watching my friend getting baptized this weekend, one gentleman who preceded him stated he WAS a believer, but NOW is a FOLLOWER. That comment really resonated with me because for many years I have been a believer, but not necessarily a follower. During my walk I have been struggling to find the answer to what He would have me to do, and I realized not long ago I am in the desert because I was not following Him.

I posed this question recently to friends and not surprisingly, some like me, had not considered the difference between the two.

In the military when we were operating in a tactical environment with dozens of people moving around relying solely on their abilities to navigate and find key points to rally, people would often times not be at the assigned point and time in order to gather everyone together to accomplish the mission.  The one or two stragglers or folks who got lost, weren't disobeying their leaders or TRYING to fail. Rather, they were simply not following their leaders as closely as they should/could have.  They relied on themselves and in the bigger picture, their perspective failed not only them but those around them as well.

When I realized the error of my ways, and made a substantial change, I immediately felt more energized at work despite working 6 days a week for between 8-12 hours. I no longer felt as fatigued and stressed and now my family is benefiting from this. They are no longer getting my leftovers and a grouchy impatient husband and father.  I only wish I had been able to accomplish this much earlier for my sons. I was very difficult at times.

So, what is a believer, and, what makes someone a follower?Jesus is a leader today, but he followed God for his first 30 years before stepping fully into the leadership role God the Father had in store for his final 3 years on Earth. 

Below He illustrates the first maxim of leadership to Peter by serving or following first before leading men.

Jesus washes Peter's feet. An act of devotion and serving.

A believer is someone who, has accepted Christ as their Saviour and has received the anointing of the Holy Spirit as a believer. Call it Christianity 101 if you will.  They are often fervent and passionate about the Word and grace they have received. Hungry for more exposure to the Lord and plugged in so to speak about their church perhaps. Sharing with others their new-found faith and forgiveness.  This is an all-important first step, the significance of which cannot be overstated, for without first believing there can be NO following.  However, the new believer may not yet have a complete submission to God in all facets of their life.

For example, as a child, we mostly follow our parents' guidance for two reasons; positional authority and our innate belief they have our best interests at heart. This is true even though at times we don't understand why they may "rain on our parade" as it were. We lament to them "but everyone else is doing it (or going)". Sometimes we might rebel and defend it saying to ourselves "They just don't understand", thus justifying our disobedience and the breaking of their trust and wishes.

That doesn't take us away from being their child or even being faithful to them, just as a sheep may stray from the herd doesn't mean it no longer has faith in the shepherd. The child will learn a lesson from the disobedience, which is a part of the growing process, and the sheep likewise, will in kind follow the shepherd once again.

As we grow in our walk and become more and more spiritual as a follower, we learn at a far greater pace what God has in store for us. And we have to- it is simple physiology. When we take our eyes off a distraction and focus on the goal, we accomplish many things.  As a follower of Christ, our eyes are, by definition, upon Him and not on the earthly distractions. I firmly feel this is where "Christians" like the ilk of Westboro Baptist are so far astray from the walk with the Lord they are actually doing more harm than good. While they may believe, they are most certainly not following. I can say this with great faith for in John 8:1-11 Jesus forgave the adulterous woman when no legalist remained free of sin to cast the first stone. He forgave the sinner OF  the sin, and BECAUSE of the sin. WBC is proclaiming GOD killed our sons in battle because the Army is permitting homosexuals in it's ranks. That viewpoint cannot be reconciled with the heart and teachings of Jesus. It is clearly contradictory to anyone who is truly forgiven.

A Christian pointing his finger at sin does not realize he has THREE fingers pointing back at himself!

Furthermore, were there any Truth to their belief, would not ALL soldiers necessarily be condemned to the same sentence as their fallen comrades?

By following, we also receive better discernment on how to contend with sticky situations whether they be professional or personal, like how to help show the light to a non-believer.  This is critical for followers, for in order to be a good leader, you must FIRST, be a good follower. This of course is why people cannot simply start at a major corporation as a Vice-President or CEO without the commensurate experience. Likewise, Generals are not born into the army as they used to be but rather molded through experiences as a subordinate. Can you imagine a judge with no legislative experience hearing a case? A doctor having not completely subordinated themselves to their medical professors' experience and leadership? It simply could not happen in this world.

So the question falls to you now. Are you a believer or a follower?  If I can make the same type of impact on someone else I just received then that will bless me for my remaining days.