The Power of Active Listening

 

As a trainer I have long noticed an absence of people from active listening, few more so than a salesperson. As a leader, it has become somewhat distressing. We have witnessed politicians pit once race and one culture against another. We have seen defund the police and BLM cause huge divisions. COVID similarly divided us as did the 2020 elections.

We didn't get here over night.

In 1937 Dale Carnegie wrote a book that set the world on it's ear and became the handbook for the human psyche: How to Win Friends and Influence People. He had begun teaching courses in 1912, and did so for many years held in church sanctuaries, classrooms or public libraries in the evenings. 

His publisher actually had to convince him his book was needed and subsequently paid for a stenographer to record the essence of his presentation creating the manuscript.

The book sold over 250,000 copies the first year; imagine how big a deal that was. The population at the time was around 128 million people, not every home had a phone and certainly not everyone had a car!  The book has sold over 30 million copies since and is a powerful guide to how to become closer to other people.  If you have not already read, you should.  In it he has 6 simple principles to follow:

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
4. Be a good listener
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

With technology vying for every second we have, people are being heard even less. The younger generation take multiple selfies to share the right image they want us to see, they filter everything they say so of course everyone thinks that person is in a good place. Sadly, it is quite the opposite.  We are more and more lonely now because when we "see" other people "surrounded" by friends, our moment of being alone grows in significance substantially. It manifests thanks to the attacks of the enemy. 

Additionally, we use emojis or an acronym to show support of someone's post; we can't even type out a message any more it seems because we need to get to the next message from our list of so called friends.

During our study of Corinthians ch 11 last week, this premise of not listening hit me hard. I've been compiling a lot of empirical evidence supporting a God who designed us and created everything. The evidence is incontrovertible and overwhelming. Eric Metaxas' recent book Is Atheism Dead? Given the evidence out there, I believe it should have had a subtitle "Why isn't it?" 

The answer is quite simple; As Emerson wrote- 

"Your actions are so loud I cannot hear what you are saying."

How often have we Christians erred as humans while the world watches us?

Countless times. Perhaps the most recent egregious actions are of the Westboro Baptists condemning basically everyone outside their myopic and twisted congregation of judgmental, legalistic self-righteous people. Campaigning on the memory of someone's child who was killed in the service because the U.S. military allows gays in their ranks. I suppose this must be the first time in history that gays have served in the military, or any military for that matter. Young men die in battle. It's a given.

Who in the world would want to be a part of that?

I have a Jewish friend who's teenaged son was invited to a Bible years ago, and being his friends, he went. He endured the entire week of hard court presses that he was going to hell unless he converted then and there. 

Wow- the hubris these people must have to think they can overcome God's hardening of their hearts in ONE sit down rather than following Jesus' example.

Similarly, have you ever noticed how well Peace "Talks" work? I believe the  model is all wrong. Two belligerents get together with a mediator and all they talk about are demands. Demands. 

What if they met with an opportunity to air their complaints and be heard? That would probably do much to alleviate the tension.

Deeyah Khan, a Muslim woman and documentary director was under the threat of death in England from skinheads. Real threat.  Her reaction was extraordinary; Rather than getting body guards, securing herself in a fortress or totally ignoring the situation, she convened an audience with some their leaders in an auditorium here in the U.S. and filmed the conversations about why they hated her and other people dissimilar to themselves. 

One by one, once they had been heard, their hatred had been shed and most could no longer reconcile that hate with what they just had experienced.  It was liberating, in a word, as the individual left the hate mongering group that created such a cancer in them.

One other point, a big one given Oppenheimer is opening in a couple days, the story of the American Atomic bomb program.  After Pearl Harbor, Americans were on board with the mantra "Unconditional surrender". To us, it made sense. To the Japanese, on the other hand, it had very serious ramifications. They took it to mean their Emperor, a living god, would be removed. Thus they began the kamikaze attacks to die in the service of the Emperor thinking that their way of life would be destroyed by American principles. 

This led President Truman to the hard decision to drop 2 atomic weapons to end the war, saving literally millions of lives should we have had to invade mainland Japan.

A simple misunderstanding of words and missing the message cost tens of thousands of Japanese and Americans lives. 

When we encounter a non-believer, our best tact is to listen and be curious about their faith (yes, atheists have a faith but they simply don't realize it). 

 3 things we should do when listening to others;

1. Trust ourselves that we can remember the message or feelings being expressed, not necessarily the details or verbatim. We are really bad at fine details. Stick to the feelings they express
2. Patience is next, in creating a "space" allowing them the opportunity to be heard. Listen and do so without judgment or feeling like you need to respond with anything other than "tell me more" or "help me understand..."
3. Self aware has 3 components and it means to check if are you mentally there or are you worried about your phone/computer screen? Perhaps you forgot to do something. You're mentally half there. Physically is your body pointing at them but your feet towards the exit? Posture? Arms crossed, defensive? And finally your energy- are you running on fumes after a long day, bad conversation or a boatload of stress? Physically and mentally you can do a reset, but energy gone is best addressed by rescheduling that talk.

This opens the door for further conversations and is not what they expect.

Why? Because every time they have encountered a Christian, they have probably been attacked or ignored. Neither is a good answer. By being receptive to them, you plant a seed that will now have a better chance of sprouting.  If, on the other hand, you try heavy handed scripturally based arguments, you will fall into the trap we read in John 18:10 where Peter cuts the ear off Malchus. The sword being symbolic of the Word, his ear being symbolic of someone becoming deaf to the Gospel