A lack of Grace: 5 Things we can Learn When Someone Expects Perfection in us

Learn from the past and quickly leave it there
to look to the future

When we seek or expect perfection in others we encounter in life we set ourselves up for disappointment and the other person for failure. This past week a customer made that abundantly clear to me.

As an internet or e-commerce director, my responsibility is to drive my store's profitability through a digital medium: To put our best foot forward through a customer's perspective via our website, email communication or the phone. A basic part of the email standpoint is to use effective email directly to each individual per their inquiry (basically to ensure we answer any question a potential customer may have given us) or to use a mass emailing to elicit a response. Mass emailing must be targeted unless I want to run the risk of a high opt-out rate which would lead to ISP's or Internet Service Providers like Yahoo!, MSN and AOL to view our IP address as a SPAM generator.  This I do and have done for years. In fact, I have probably sent out more than 500,000 emails in my career to prospective and current customers. This week was much the same as any other communication.

For those of you in a position of responsibility, you know you have many distractions- your people, contemporaries, supervisors, owners, manufacturers, customers, your daily process, etc., etc., etc.  In other words, MANY distractions. For those of you who are not supervisors, you have many distractions as well: Life, home, friends, etc. I am no different.

With the Christmas holiday right around the corner and then the end of the year next, I had been aiming to send out a mass email to our unsold prospects, and had been trying all day to get it written and compiled before it was too late in the day on Monday the 23rd of December. Unfortunately, I had been unable to complete this task due to many distractions until around 4:00 that afternoon. Long after I knew people would be reading this email at their morning break at work.

A couple of hours later, I received a very threatening voice mail on my mobile phone that if I wanted "my side of the story" to be heard on a "national article about the dealership" and to be named in it myself, I was to call back before the end of the night.  I normally don't do well when people try to threaten me- after having been under direct fire before words have little effect in causing me any anxiety. Out of managerial duty and curiosity I returned the call and the person confirmed it was him- we shall call him Larry.

Larry started on a line of questioning like he was an attorney so I was quickly on the guard, and I asked him what he in fact did for a living. He informed me he writes articles for national magazines like Time and such. Terrific.

I asked how I could help him and he started to tell me how I had lied to him. Okay sir, you now have my attention.

"How did I do that to you?" I asked.

"By emailing me that I had previously made an inquiry by email to buy a car.  I had not had I?"

"No sir, you did not. I see you were in for service previously, and had not made an inquiry about a purchase. That was my mistake."

But he persisted and again said I lied to him. I told him I had made a mistake and it was an oversight for which I held myself responsible.

The third time he called me a liar I pushed back hard. "THAT is enough!" I said. "You will not call me a liar again. I have owned up to the mistake, I have apologized repeatedly, what more can I do? What more do you want from me?"

It was at that exact moment I realized I was being attacked by evil. God had given me the patience and words to endure this withering assault against my character, my store, my job and my family.

His mood instantly changed and we spent the next 30 minutes talking about his experiences while photographing various topics. I viewed his website and some of his images and I couldn't help but think to myself "I'm the liar?" Every one of his photos were no doubt photographed with high performance SLR cameras with filters to capitalize and emphasize the lighting. Perhaps even digital manipulation.

In other words, every one of those photographs, as they were depicted, never truly happened.  Ironic.

I even went on to edify him, lauding his vast experience and accomplishments, and thanked him for his insight and bringing this to my attention. I don't think he knew quite what to do.

After hanging up I was quite upset, not quite angry, but still shaken. Surprisingly, I was not nearly as agitated as I would have ordinarily been.

When my GM came in the following day, I knew he was going to be calling the customer back so I gave him back-fill from my experience and he just smirked, shaking his head.  He went on to tell me how this "gentleman" came to be our customer.

He had come in just a couple of days before I started in August, and complained about how he was not treated well with two of our competitive stores, one of which has written a book on customer service. He had come in for a major service and insisted on meeting the mechanics whom would be working on his car. Not a bad idea.

Bending over backwards to earn his business, Ken asked the customer if our manufacturer had offered him any sort of coupon for his experience and he said no, they had not. So Ken then directs the service department to sell the service at cost for him.  Then right in front of Ken, this person pulls out a $500 coupon from the manufacturer and hands it to the service writer.

"Wait, I thought you said they didn't give you a coupon" my GM asked him.

"Oh yeah, well, I bitched a little more and they sent me one. I just want to get the best deal possible."

No, you just wanted to lie and steal from a company in the auspices of good faith.

This made me even angrier than I was before. A low-life scum bag like this accuses ME of lying. Someone who has never amounted to much of anything, probably never will, trying to pull someone else down to make himself feel better. His inflated resume is just that- inflated. Surely someone whom has contributed to TIME magazine for example would rank somewhere in search results, but no. The ONLY references I could find for him were the aforementioned website of his and an introductory page about him on an equine-focused website.

It is clear this person is devoid of a moral compass and peace. He is clearly hurting and probably doesn't know why. All I can do is forgive him and pray for him.

Some lessons to take from this encounter:

1. Hurting people hurt other people. 
2. The more someone tells you how great they are, the less likely it is they have accomplished anything they are building up in your mind.
3. Liars think other people lie. (Or at least think sales people will sit quietly and take it)
4. God extends us grace though we do not deserve it. Some people expect perfection from others and extend no grace. Perhaps they enjoy seeing the other person fail or they are purposely creating an environment to exploit to their advantage.
5. Even when confronted with a situation like this, with His word and guidance, a Christian can defend themselves AND not destroy the other person with their spoken word.

The 50/50 Proposition of a Marriage

Ask people recently married or are engaged to be married if they think marriage is a 50/50 proposition and odds are they will say absolutely. It takes effort on both parties' sides to make a marriage go.

Partially true. It does take effort from both parties involved, but it takes far more than 50%- it takes your all! Marriage is not about your half or your spouse's half; it's about ALL OF BOTH OF YOU. When two become one, that now equals 200% so for you math majors out there, 50/50 in a marriage means someone is missing in that relationship! All in is what it takes! (This is precisely why it is not for the faint of heart and should not be entered into lightly- it is a personal challenge to grow and improve yourself every day.)

All in is a popular term in the poker vernacular for when a player pushes all his chips into the center of the table on one hand thinking he has the best hand or hoping to bluff his way into winning. Either way, the saying is cliche's and perhaps a bit trite for this discussion, but I trust the visual image of someone betting a fortune on one poker hand by going "all in" is illustrative enough to make my point.

Marriage is all about being all in. If it were not then anyone could suffice with half-effort. Even athletes conditioning themselves for a game don't give half efforts. They run through the line every time or they get to do it again.  Why would we insist marriage be any different?

Marriage is defined in the Bible as the union of one man and one woman into one relationship. Perhaps this constructs a vision I am "half" of this marriage thus that is all I need to give, half.  Let us consider this for a moment to be fair. "I am going to give half of myself to my wife." Think on that for a moment. Is that fair and equitable or, is it selfish? Furthermore, if this is truly how marriage is "supposed to be" then which, pre' tel, half would any normal human being give to their spouse? Their best? Hardly. We would give our second best half. The leftovers. We are naturally selfish so this thought process is a bit awkward at first, contrary to the natural laws of survival. Thus the greatest commandment of all: Love your Lord with ALL your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

Ask yourself if your spouse deserves your best or your second-best efforts. For me, that answer is plain as the sun rising in the east; she not only deserves my best, she deserves better than I can deliver, but that is a topic for another day.

It is by no accident the phrase "...for better or worse" are in most all wedding vows for God knows our hearts. He knows we are inherently selfish and will commit foolish selfish acts out of self-love yet we promise to love our spouse unconditionally through it all. The only way that can happen is if we are all in ourselves, having left nothing on the table as it were. For times when I am weak my wife carries me and I her.  In times of illness we nurture each other.We are magnificently different from each other yet equal since we are both completely and unconditionally devoted to each other. Because of this we both are secure in each other's decisions and abilities to be in society and not cause angst or jealousy in the other.

Jesus gave us illustrations of this principle Himself when He "married the church" or died on the cross. He did not leave anything on the table for us to do or to complete in his stead. He was fully committed to each of us and the church for He so loves us. There is nothing more we could do other than follow the example set forth. There is comfort in that thought for me.

The best way we have discovered for this to happen is to invite God into our relationship to form a trinity in our holy matrimony. Three legs in your relationship will strengthen that bond beyond what might attack your marriage. Consider the rope below: It is made of 3 strands for optimal strength. Not two, not four or five, THREE. They are interwoven so one cord can lean on the other two in times of stress and to lend it's strength when all are challenged simultaneously while under a load of tension. There is another kernel of knowledge here, just below the surface: Tensile strength is a geometrically progressive function of diameter or cross section of the member(s) involved in the strength to resist tension. While it is obvious combining three equal strands of rope is going to be larger than an individual strand, the overall diameter is where this increase in strength takes place. Remember Pi(r2)? The surface area of a circle grows exponentially with an increase in radius? So too will your marriage when you increase your radius (or faith) and place a greater emphasis on relying upon God to help grow you and at the same time increase that radius as well.  It is also well to note ropes not under tension tend to last longer than ropes that are! You can see the ones that are under tension for they appear rigid and tight, perhaps fraying at one or multiple points.

My wife has been such a blessing to me over the years. We have literally grown "old" together. We met at the age of 16 and have been together ever since- over 30 years. We have grown emotionally and spiritually through the many trials we have experienced because we have chosen to. When faced with a challenge, we have two choices: face it head on hand in hand with each other or step aside and let our partner take the brunt of it. The latter of course is a selfish and unloving act, one more concerned about being right (the good half) than being supportive and leads directly to resentment and anger. (Not to mention heavy loads are always easier to bear with help!) We are all guilty of this from time to time, but at the end of the day wise is he/she who embraces his/her spouse at the expense of being right. 

How can you improve YOUR relationship and make room for God in it?

Keeping Your Eyes on the Road Ahead

Our sermon today at Valley Creek Church had us listening to a guest speaker- one of our elders Don Manning.  His sermon had some great applications and refreshing insight to me as a father, husband and bread winner.  Several points stuck out but one resonated with profound clarity to me:

Keeping your eyes on the Lord!  We daily lose sight of God working in our lives and rush from one moment to the next, stuck in the past, worried about the future and losing sight of the here and now. Can you identify with that? I sure can!

I remember instantly thinking about the parallels between what he said and every day life. Rare is a day in which I drive to work and not see a traffic accident or a near miss.  We travel with it all the time- we see someone tailgating us or the cars near us, texting on the phone, eating, doing makeup, shooting across several lanes at once to make an exit, you get the idea. As a result, WE have to look out for them and make concessions lest we get a chance to meet them in person.

It struck me this morning (pardon the pun) how we take our eyes off Jesus and start looking at life by only what is directly in front of us; the exact same way so many people drive today. This is a reactive lifestyle and with the pace of life faster than ever it is even more vital for us to slow down and be more deliberate in our lives.

I remember a time in the 70's and 80's in which a third brake light was not on the back of cars, but legislators thought it prudent to create a law to help us avoid accidents by mandating that light be installed in all passenger vehicles. Would it not have been a better idea to teach us how to drive properly? By that I mean to look 20-30 seconds ahead of the vehicle in front of us. I learned this trick in a professional driving course years ago and an amazing thing happened when I did: I could not only see much further ahead but my periphery also increased. In other words, by simply changing my point of focus, much more came into clarity and I was better able to avoid an accident.

While we think we see a lot, from God's perspective our view is like   looking at the world between our hands like this image shows.

I always scratched my head at how the Israelites could not remember one day to the next the miracles God gave them to escape Egypt and be delivered from slavery. Of course they didn't have the benefit of the Holy Spirit to stay with them but I also miss how I forget every day what He has done for me and my family when I worry about something or don't pray for guidance. I am in effect, staring at the bumper of the car in front of me while I am traveling through life at a high rate of speed. (I touched on the importance of timing in your life in my January 27 article when I write about Jesus' never being in a hurry). Day by day I strive to change my focus onto God.

When we put our eyes on God literally and figuratively, we will as a result gain the vision our loving Father has for us minimizing any distractions, but we also can see rising distractions exactly as they are and be fully prepared to address or dismiss them as appropriate. This will permit us to live in the moment, leave the past in the past and welcome the future gracefully and never in a hurry, and allow us to smell the roses.