The 50/50 Proposition of a Marriage

Ask people recently married or are engaged to be married if they think marriage is a 50/50 proposition and odds are they will say absolutely. It takes effort on both parties' sides to make a marriage go.

Partially true. It does take effort from both parties involved, but it takes far more than 50%- it takes your all! Marriage is not about your half or your spouse's half; it's about ALL OF BOTH OF YOU. When two become one, that now equals 200% so for you math majors out there, 50/50 in a marriage means someone is missing in that relationship! All in is what it takes! (This is precisely why it is not for the faint of heart and should not be entered into lightly- it is a personal challenge to grow and improve yourself every day.)

All in is a popular term in the poker vernacular for when a player pushes all his chips into the center of the table on one hand thinking he has the best hand or hoping to bluff his way into winning. Either way, the saying is cliche's and perhaps a bit trite for this discussion, but I trust the visual image of someone betting a fortune on one poker hand by going "all in" is illustrative enough to make my point.

Marriage is all about being all in. If it were not then anyone could suffice with half-effort. Even athletes conditioning themselves for a game don't give half efforts. They run through the line every time or they get to do it again.  Why would we insist marriage be any different?

Marriage is defined in the Bible as the union of one man and one woman into one relationship. Perhaps this constructs a vision I am "half" of this marriage thus that is all I need to give, half.  Let us consider this for a moment to be fair. "I am going to give half of myself to my wife." Think on that for a moment. Is that fair and equitable or, is it selfish? Furthermore, if this is truly how marriage is "supposed to be" then which, pre' tel, half would any normal human being give to their spouse? Their best? Hardly. We would give our second best half. The leftovers. We are naturally selfish so this thought process is a bit awkward at first, contrary to the natural laws of survival. Thus the greatest commandment of all: Love your Lord with ALL your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

Ask yourself if your spouse deserves your best or your second-best efforts. For me, that answer is plain as the sun rising in the east; she not only deserves my best, she deserves better than I can deliver, but that is a topic for another day.

It is by no accident the phrase "...for better or worse" are in most all wedding vows for God knows our hearts. He knows we are inherently selfish and will commit foolish selfish acts out of self-love yet we promise to love our spouse unconditionally through it all. The only way that can happen is if we are all in ourselves, having left nothing on the table as it were. For times when I am weak my wife carries me and I her.  In times of illness we nurture each other.We are magnificently different from each other yet equal since we are both completely and unconditionally devoted to each other. Because of this we both are secure in each other's decisions and abilities to be in society and not cause angst or jealousy in the other.

Jesus gave us illustrations of this principle Himself when He "married the church" or died on the cross. He did not leave anything on the table for us to do or to complete in his stead. He was fully committed to each of us and the church for He so loves us. There is nothing more we could do other than follow the example set forth. There is comfort in that thought for me.

The best way we have discovered for this to happen is to invite God into our relationship to form a trinity in our holy matrimony. Three legs in your relationship will strengthen that bond beyond what might attack your marriage. Consider the rope below: It is made of 3 strands for optimal strength. Not two, not four or five, THREE. They are interwoven so one cord can lean on the other two in times of stress and to lend it's strength when all are challenged simultaneously while under a load of tension. There is another kernel of knowledge here, just below the surface: Tensile strength is a geometrically progressive function of diameter or cross section of the member(s) involved in the strength to resist tension. While it is obvious combining three equal strands of rope is going to be larger than an individual strand, the overall diameter is where this increase in strength takes place. Remember Pi(r2)? The surface area of a circle grows exponentially with an increase in radius? So too will your marriage when you increase your radius (or faith) and place a greater emphasis on relying upon God to help grow you and at the same time increase that radius as well.  It is also well to note ropes not under tension tend to last longer than ropes that are! You can see the ones that are under tension for they appear rigid and tight, perhaps fraying at one or multiple points.

My wife has been such a blessing to me over the years. We have literally grown "old" together. We met at the age of 16 and have been together ever since- over 30 years. We have grown emotionally and spiritually through the many trials we have experienced because we have chosen to. When faced with a challenge, we have two choices: face it head on hand in hand with each other or step aside and let our partner take the brunt of it. The latter of course is a selfish and unloving act, one more concerned about being right (the good half) than being supportive and leads directly to resentment and anger. (Not to mention heavy loads are always easier to bear with help!) We are all guilty of this from time to time, but at the end of the day wise is he/she who embraces his/her spouse at the expense of being right. 

How can you improve YOUR relationship and make room for God in it?

Why do we fear a challenge?

A sort of follow up to my March article on Standing up to Challenges, I began wondering on my way home this evening why we shy away from challenges. I was listening to the radio decompressing before I got home and Taylor Swift's A Love Story was playing. In one verse she says "Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel; This love is difficult but it is real", and it got me to thinking how many people I know who are separated or divorced. How many people I know who have never faced their potential and chased their dreams. Why is that?

We live in the greatest country in the world. Freedom and liberty enable us to be ANYTHING we want to be, yet remarkably few take advantage of us. I see many immigrants in the area living the American dream. They work extremely hard, many have their own business and home. They chase the dream with a vengeance, and hang on to it.

When I was separating from the service after a short stint, I was faced with one of the greatest challenges of my life. All my life all I had ever wanted was to serve my country as an officer in the military for a career. It is all I thought of. And when I was faced with a difficult decision to separate and provide for my wife and 2 children, the task was quite daunting at the beginning of the journey.

Several colleagues and I went to a recruiter's informational meeting to see what options we had available. He was strong, convicted and very good at what he does. He suggested we read his book on PCS'ing to Corporate America. After the meeting, I conferred with a couple of friends and wondered about my meeting with him the following afternoon. "Don't worry" they said- "just go". The decision to go or postpone weighed heavily on my mind.

The next morning I phoned the recruiter and asked for an appointment on his next visit in a couple of months. He of course thanked me for my courtesy, and we went on with our day.

The next day I asked my buddies how the interview with the recruiter went. I heard all kinds of excuses: "He was arrogant", "He was an &**hole", "A jerk" etc. Predictably, everyone with these comments was not accepted by him to be a candidate for his recruiting agency.

Coincidence? I think not. You see, Roger only accepted on average 12% of the applicants. Not because they were extraordinarily talented, but because they were committed to the career change and were taking it very seriously. They demonstrated this commitment by reading his book and many others, and learning how little they knew about themselves and how to interview. Under Roger's leadership we became experts of ourselves and rose to the challenge. His course was rigorous and demanding, but deep inside my heart I knew by following his advice and direction and dedicating myself to his plan everything was going to be alright, and that is how I was able to lead my family during one of the most stressful periods of our lives.

My friends took the easy way out. They chose not to try to learn about themselves, and if they don't know themselves, how can they convey their best qualities to a prospective employer and land the big job? They can't.

When I landed my job with a cutting edge medical company selling devices to surgeons, my friends called me "lucky". That infuriated me.
God had given me a path, just like them, but unlike them, I chose the path less traveled and succeeded where they had failed. I suppose it is easier to point the finger at someone else and call it luck, but it was highly offensive nonetheless, and I am not one to get worked up about stuff like that.

Along the same lines, many people accuse my wife and me of being lucky for the relationship we have. We have been together since we were 16, and have never been with anyone else. What we have IS special, and I think we are indeed blessed to have each other (though I am DEFINITELY getting the better part of the bargain!), but the marriage thing has not always been a bed of roses. We have had ups and downs. We have fought. We have disagreed about things, but we have worked them all out. We trust each other implicitly, knowing the other would never do anything to harm what we have.

This is rare, I know.

But the point is the work and the investments we make into our relationship. While I am not always a teddy bear to be around, I do my best to leave my frustrations at work (or wherever they come from) and not take them out on the family. I am not always successful, but I try. My wife loves me for who I am, and she realizes the grumpy guy is NOT who I am. She looks past this inadequacy. How she put up with me when I was in the service and much more volatile is a mystery to me. (I told you I was getting the best bargain here)

Nothing worthwhile is free or easy, and if it is, it is most definitely not worth much to you.

People use all kinds of things to fill a void in their lives- shopping, home decor, cars, vacations, clothes, food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex. The list goes on and on. Each of these "addictions" as many are becoming known are nothing more than the human spirit, seeking more pleasure, being allowed to spiral out of control by someone not working to improve themselves. And if they are not willing to improve themselves for their own benefit, what chance does their spouse have of motivating them?


The bottom line: We fear a challenge because it makes us uncomfortable, we feel we have too much at risk or don't see enough payoff for the challenge. When we try to tie a monetary value to everything in our life, we devalue that which is most sacred- the love of our Father, our family and our neighbors. When we take our eye off the ball and focus on the material things in our lives, we lose sight of the greatest commandment and subsequently true joy. We Americans feel if we can have this vacation, raise, promotion, car or house we will truly be happy. Then, there is one MORE thing we want, then another. When does it stop? Never.

Truthfully, are you really happier today with all you material possessions or were you happier when you were a simple child and found wonder and joy in most things? Sadly, most of us will answer no. We have supplanted a simple life with gadgets and stress trying to procure more and more stuff we will leave behind when we die.

Trust me on this one- take a trip somewhere away from the advertising that surrounds us today. Turn off the t.v., radio and Internet and spend a couple of days away from it all and see what you start to think about. You may find yourself looking at yourself and wondering how to change yourself for the better or to have a closer relationship with God. If not, worst case, you end up with a relaxing few days away from the constant pressure of in your face marketing.

Go ahead and try it- I dare you!